It can be hard to know how to explain eating disorders. Let the cards do the talking
The Setup
Let me lay out this scene for you: my wife and I are sitting in a cozy little tea bar on the outskirts of town one weekday evening, coloring with crayons for the first time since either of us were kids. I’ve got a cool dude skateboarding across a cityscape in blindingly bright primary colors, while she layers pastels onto a butterly. The whole thing is delightfully relaxing and a welcome escape from our regular routines.
The Twist
A woman and her young child come in the door, immediately and warmly calling out to their friend, the owner. The two women hug, and start catching up loudly. She and I try not to pry or be rude, and bury ourselves in the coloring. We can hear every word – the friend declines a muffin because she’s trying out that Keto thing, the owner declares that she’s been trying to lose weight but it’s just not sticking, and the two begin trading diet anecdotes and tips. My wife and I look at each other, roll our eyes, and try to tune it out.
But it doesn’t end.
It just keeps going. And going.
The Dilemma
My wife was early in her recovery, and everything felt very fragile for us. We had come here to relax and escape, and instead we were a captive audience to two women explaining in great detail how the project my wife had to undertake – gaining weight – was horrible and unfortunate and must be avoided at all costs. You know, the usual stuff.
Finally, it was too much. Everyone’s definition of “too much” will vary, and that’s fine. Heck, the amount of diet talk that I can tolerate without moving the conversation changes day to day. But that day, it was too much.
The Solution
I set down my orange crayon and walked up to the pair. I don’t want to give the impression that I was smooth and cool (because I definitely wasn’t), but I said something polite to the effect of “can you guys please change the subject?”
And then I handed them this card:
We got the idea from the movie Joker. Joaquin Phoenix’s character sometimes laughs so hard he can’t form sentences, so he carries these cards that explain what’s going on. My wife came up with a list of the 5 most common and most upsetting conversation topics for her, and I laid them out on standard-sized business cards.
We ordered a few hundred of these guys, and spread them all over our lives. We put a few on every table at our wedding reception. I still carry a fistful of them in my wallet to this day. In the before-times, when we could meet in person, I would bring a few extras to the friends-and-family group I attended and give them to all the new parents who were still wrapping their heads around it all.
If you are new to this, if you are trying to find a way to get a family member or friend up to speed, this can be a great conversation starter. Every item on this card can spin off into a full conversation. Maybe that can be the subject of a future blog post.